Holding Both: Love and Loss This Mother’s Day
Today is a day of complicated intersections. For many, it is a day of celebration, brunch, and bright bouquets. But for those in the "club no one wants to join," it is a day of holding two things at once: a deep, enduring love and a profound, quiet absence.
Whether you are a mother carrying the loss of a child or someone navigating the world without your mother, this day belongs to you, too. Your grief is not a problem to be solved; it is simply love that has no physical place to go.
A Space for the "Bereaved Mother"
To the mothers who are missing a piece of their heart today: I see you. Your parenting didn't end when the physical connection did. For a bereaved mother, Mother's Day isn't just a holiday; it's a day that requires immense courage to simply exist in.
Today may be about finding small, meaningful ways to honor that bond:
The Ritual of Remembrance: Lighting a candle, planting a specific flower, or visiting a place that felt special to your child can provide a dedicated space for your love to land.
Naming the Silence: If you feel comfortable, tell a friend, "I'm thinking about [Name] today." Sometimes, hearing their name spoken out loud is the greatest gift.
Reclaiming the Day: If the traditional "Mother's Day" feels too painful, give it a different name in your head. Call it "Memorial Day" or simply "Sunday." You have the power to define what today means for you.
To Those Missing Their Mother
For adult children, today can feel like a magnifying glass in the absence of a matriarch. Whether your mother was your best friend or someone you had a difficult journey with, the loss of a mother is a foundational shift in how you move through the world.
Honoring the Legacy: Perhaps you cook her favorite meal, listen to a song she loved, or read a book she always recommended. Engaging with her "Continuing Bonds" can help the day feel less about absence and more about connection.
The "Mothering" of Yourself: When the person who usually nurtured you is gone, the best way to honor them is often to nurture yourself. Treat yourself with the kind of gentleness, patience, and care you wish you could receive from her today.
Finding Community: You may feel like the only one not celebrating, but there is a vast, quiet community of people feeling exactly like you do. Knowing you aren't alone in your "Mother's Day grief" can take the edge off the isolation.
Permission to Change the Narrative
You do not have to follow the traditional "rules" of this holiday. If Mother’s Day feels like a day to stay in bed and watch movies, that is a valid and healthy choice. If it feels like a day to share stories and laugh through tears with family, that is valid, too.
Grief is not linear, and it doesn't respect the holidays on a calendar. There is no "right" way to feel today. You may feel fine in the morning and overwhelmed by noon. Give yourself the grace to ride those waves as they come.
Support for Your Journey
If today feels too heavy to carry alone, please know that support is available. In my practice, I specialize in helping people navigate these "heavy days" by creating a non-judgmental space to process the unique layers of suicide loss, overdose loss, and child loss.
Whether you are looking for grief therapy in Denver or seeking virtual counseling in Pennsylvania, I am here to help you find a lighter way forward. You don’t have to ignore your pain to survive the day; you just have to be gentle with the person carrying it—yourself.
How are you honoring your loved one today? Whether it’s lighting a candle or cooking a favorite meal, there is no gesture too small to share. Share in the comments.
Ready to find a lighter way forward? You don't have to carry this heavy burden alone.
I offer in-person grief therapy in the Denver, Colorado, area and virtual therapy across all of Colorado and Pennsylvania.
Take the next step: Schedule a free, 15-minute consultation today to see how we can start working through your unique grief journey together.
Laura Vargas, MSW, LCSW Vargas Counseling and Consulting www.vargascounseling.com
